it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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