After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
