perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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