do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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