I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
