listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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