So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
