I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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