I could make wine with my vomit
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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