Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
