Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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