I'm so fucking centered right now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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