i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
