Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
