I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize