My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
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