Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
