the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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