I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize