Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize