I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
