I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
