Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
