Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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