Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
