She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize