I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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