You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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