I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
