Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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