And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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