I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
