my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
