After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
