capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
