I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
