i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
