you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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