I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
