i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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