I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
