You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
