i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
