so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
