Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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