Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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