Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
