why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
