So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Only a mothe r could love this liver
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize