I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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