Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
