oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
