What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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