Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
