Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
