when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
